


Laced around your fingertips.

by injyunie



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: M/M, yangren shooters lets go
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-14
Updated: 2019-02-14
Packaged: 2019-10-28 06:41:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,260
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17782505
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/injyunie/pseuds/injyunie
Summary: Yangyang and Renjun meets.(Again.)





	Laced around your fingertips.

**Author's Note:**

> someone had to do it.
> 
> a rushed fic. unbeta-ed.

“You know the reason The Beatles made it so big?...'I Wanna Hold Your Hand.' First single. Fucking brilliant. Perhaps the most fucking brilliant song ever written. Because they nailed it. That's what everyone wants. Not 24/7 hot wet sex. Not a marriage that lasts a hundred years. Not a Porsche...or a million-dollar crib. No. They wanna hold your hand. They have such a feeling that they can't hide. Every single successful song of the past fifty years can be traced back to 'I Wanna Hold Your Hand.' And every single successful love story has those unbearable and unbearably exciting moments of hand-holding.”

  
―  **David Levithan**

“C’mon, Injunnie,” Jeno whines, like he usually does when Renjun doesn’t exactly give him the attention he wants. It’s sweet, if Renjun were to be more honest, but that’s a fact he’ll die with. He’s too much the butt of teasing from their circle of friends—especially Jaemin and Jeno—for him to risk another thing to tease him with. “I just want to hold your hand,” He pouts, like a puppy—and it’s funny to think how Jeno is so much like a puppy in action but a cat in his appearance.

“Injunnie will just say no anyways, Jeno, it’s no use,” Jaemin says, not tearing his eyes off from Renjun. It’s a simple statement but Renjun can _hear_ the pout in Jaemin’s tone, though not showing it. In this way, Jaemin is much more opposite than Jeno, he looks like a puppy but he acts like a cat—his true feelings and emotions show in the quietest of ways.

Renjun wants to laugh on how different and yet the same the two are. Perks of being childhood friends, maybe. Love like best friends, Argue like siblings.

He likes them like that, but it’s not something he’s willing to say when they are less than a year together.

“Do you guys want to be seen by our hyungs?” Renjun asks them, glancing at the two. It’s a common topic—something the three of them has been debating about ever since they got together—though not officially, Renjun isn’t too ready for that yet. He wants to take it slow with them.

As expected, and as how they always reply, Jaemin and Jeno just looks at him straight on, words filled with resolute, “Yes.” They say in synchronisation. It’s cute that it makes the corner of Renjun’s lips tug into a helpless grin—a good natured one that only happens when it’s Jaemin and Jeno.

(At least ever since a few months ago, it’s for them.)

“The both of you know we can’t,” He states and if Jaemin and Jeno were to have cat and dog ears, Renjun’s sure he would’ve seen it turn down, “Not yet, I guess,” He adds. An afterthought. But it already means _something_ to Jaemin and Jeno. A silent promise, like a thread laced in his words. It’s subtle, but they get it. They understand. And that alone makes them happy, in a way that only the two of them can get. Renjun doesn’t understand, but he guesses he doesn’t have to understand.

(He wonders, if he had this mind set back then, would the end be different?)

As soon as they enter the room, Jaemin and Jeno finds themselves being taken away by the other hyungs who were more than happy and excited to see them again—but not without exchanging pleasantries with Renjun and excusing the two of them. Jaemin and Jeno looks at Renjun, as if trying to get help, but Renjun just waves at them while smiling.

The three of them doesn’t have to be together all the time.

He finds a random couch to sit on and he watches. He watches how people dance to the music, he watches the way a lot of people—more likely older than him—talk to each other almost animatedly (probably because of the alcohol consumption), and he sees Jaemin and Jeno somewhere amongst the crowd, being crowded by their Hyungs who seem to be fighting if they should make them drink or not.

(He only assumes this because the only way Renjun can tell is the way Jaehyun and Doyoung are doing a tug of war using a beer can. Considering that, he may not be too far off with his guess.)

Renjun laughs to himself, although he does regret not being as close to the other hyungs as he is with his Chinese hyungs, it’s still something he deeply treasures and adores.

Plus, seeing Jaemin and Jeno get treated like a kid is a good source of entertainment.

“Renjun?” A voice cuts him off from his thoughts, he looks to his side and sees him.

Liu Yangyang.

Renjun can’t exactly say that he expected Yangyang to be here—with him moving back and forth between Germany, Korean, and China (an intel he had gotten from Sicheng a few months earlier). If anything, Yangyang being here is the most unexpected thing that has happened and probably going to be, all things considered.

“What brings you here?” Is what Renjun replies. A safe zone, not too friendly and not too much like strangers.

Yangyang rubs the back of his neck, “Hendery and Xiaojun kinda dragged me along,” He says, “Is anyone sitting here?” He asks, glancing at the space beside Renjun. Renjun shakes his head and scoots over, making space for Yangyang.

“What about you?” Yangyang asks, “What brings you here?”

_Not you_ , is what the petty side of Renjun wants to say. “Jeno and Jaemin—mostly,” Renjun says. It was the both of them who persuaded him to get out of bed on a Friday night. If he was only by himself, Renjun doubts he’d even go. He treasures his Friday nights too much.

(Though seeing as how he turned out, he doesn’t know if going with Jaemin and Jeno turned out to be for the better or for the worse.)

Yangyang nods. And silence fills the space between them.

It wasn’t always like this. Renjun remembers the days—the better days, maybe—of when the space between them almost didn’t exist. They’d talk about anything and everything in the world. They would go on mischief together, teasing their Hyungs together, share stories about their childhood to one another.

Wherever Renjun was, Yangyang would be there. And vice versa.

It hurts, if Renjun has any right to say what he feels, it hurts to be sitting with someone who he used to talk everything to—because now they can’t say anything, they can’t utter a word. Too scared to cross the lines that shouldn’t be crossed— _like being too familiar_.

Because being too familiar with each other will just bring memories they both would rather forget.

Seconds seems like an eternity when you sit with someone you used to know. They are both stubborn in their own ways, Renjun is just waiting for one of them to give up and say something. Though, Renjun doesn’t really trust himself to not blurt something he’s not supposed to say. Or reveal something he’s not supposed to.

Ultimately, It’s Yangyang who breaks the silence.

“Has Jaemin and Jeno been treating you right?” It’s a simple question.

“I guess.” A simple answer.

“I’m glad that you have them,” Yangyang says, it’s so full of honesty that Renjun almost doesn’t know what to say.

Even then, Renjun just nods, “Yeah.”

“I’m glad that one of them got the courage to confess.”

_Unlike us_ , is left unsaid. Right. Because if it wasn’t for Jeno and Jaemin—Renjun’s pretty sure it would be another Yangyang-esque situation.

A year or so of dancing around each other, always not knowing where to head between the two points of friendship and lovers. Always stuck in the middle, too afraid to move forward, to stubborn to go back. A year of longing, of doubts, of looking for something that neither of them could give.

A year of fooling around one another.

(Renjun remembers the times their fingers would brush against each other, but both of them too scared to hold the others’ hand first. Renjun remembers the coldness of his fingertips, the ache of wanting to hold his hand but never getting the courage to do so.)

(Maybe, just maybe, if one of them had the courage to close that two centimetres between the two of them, would their unspoken thoughts be relayed and give them an alternative end?)

Maybe the two of them were just too young for whatever they had—or didn’t have.

“You know,” Yangyang speaks up again, “I always knew you felt the same.”

Renjun splutters, “What—“

 “If you knew then why didn’t you say anything?” Renjun asks.

“You never asked,” Yangyang smiles, closing his eyes. “And I never had the courage to say anything, out of fear—something that I haven’t personally figured out yet.”

Renjun doesn’t say anything. Renjun doesn’t know what to think of it. He doesn’t even know what the appropriate thought process would be in this situation.

“Forget me,” Yangyang suddenly says, “Forget that I once held you in my heart.”

“I,” Renjun says, “I can’t do that.”

“Renjun,” Yangyang says, almost softly, “Forget me and forget our dream, there are out there waiting for you,” He smiles, “And besides, when you think of me, that’s not who I am anymore.”

Renjun hesitates, “Are you okay with that?”

Yangyang looks at him in a certain way and suddenly, the Renjun from back then comes back.

It’s that reason that Renjun finds himself coming back to the ‘what if’s. It’s the thought that he isn’t allowed to move on when Yangyang felt the same as he did—or _feels_ the same way. They never placed any label, they never talked about it. When Yangyang left, all that’s left of the two of them were just words that never said, too foggy to see the answer right through.

If Renjun were to answer Jeno and Jaemin while having unfinished business with Yangyang—and maybe lingering feelings—then it wouldn’t be fair for any of them.

“Of course not,” Is what Yangyang says, “But you have the two of them, right? And I have my own.” Yangyang sighs, it’s not as heavy as earlier. “We both shouldn’t be shelf back by what happened— or didn’t happen — between us.”

A beat.

“And frankly, I’m honestly glad you owned my heart first.”

Renjun pauses for a moment. And then he laughs. Its so cliché—something Yangyang wouldn’t normally say, cringe-worthy, honestly. He probably got it either from Hendery or Xiaojun—or both—just like how Renjun has gotten a high tolerance for such flowery words because of Jeno and Jaemin.

They sit in silence, it’s a lot more comfortable now.

“You know,” Renjun smiles, “I’m glad you were once my world too.”

And they laugh.

“Can I hold your hand?” Yangyang blurts out, a smile on his face. It makes something boil at the pit of Renjun’s stomach, a feeling he doesn’t quite know how to take it as. Yangyang has always been quite impulsive, acting on a thought before getting the chance to properly even think about it. It’s stupid to a lot of people, probably, but it’s one of the things that assures Renjun that Yangyang is filled with pure honesty.

If it was years ago, how would he have reacted? He would’ve probably punch Yangyang by the arm, diverting Yangyang’s line of site from the hotness he would’ve had on his face. Renjun was never good at hiding his emotions in his face, if Yangyang saw, he would never make Renjun live it down.

And maybe, Renjun would’ve held Yangyang’s hand.

In the present time, however, as Renjun hears two familiar voices call out to him, so clearly and distinctly amongst all the voices chattering inside the room, Renjun can only sigh.

He stands up, looks at Yangyang, a small smile on his face.

Yangyang already knows the answer, and Renjun knows it too.

“I’m sorry, but no,” Is what he says before walking away, never to look back at the past and the amount of what could have been.

Renjun buries every thought of the ‘what if’s in a box and puts it away in some corner of his mind, never to be seen again, or as he hopes so.

Renjun is already contended and happy with Jaemin and Jeno’s presence by his side, and he’s sure that Yangyang feels the same with Hendery and Xiaojun.

It’s in the thought that Yangyang feels the same way as him—worries and all—that Renjun feels comfort in.

Even if years may pass, even if Renjun finally pushes the thoughts of what he and Yangyang could have been away, Yangyang will always be a presence in his life that he won’t be able to erase. He’s a presence, though as years come, he may just be a mere memory one day.

Sighing, Renjun looks at Jeno and Jaemin who are a few steps ahead of him, looking at him with a look of confusion in their faces as to why Renjun suddenly stopped walking.

For the first time in a long time, he feels free.

Smiling at them, he holds out the both of his hands,

“Want to hold my hand?”

As Jeno and Jaemin goes to his side and grabs his hands eagerly. He hopes that the words he can't say will get through.

When Jeno and Jaemin smiles at him brightly, Renjun feels his heart grow ten times bigger.


End file.
